What Does Holding Space Actually Mean?
Holding space is one of those phrases that gets used everywhere in wellness circles. It sounds lovely. But what does it actually mean?
It starts with not making it about you.
It’s very human to want to jump in when someone is sharing something difficult.
We want to fix it. Solve it. Tell them what happened to us. Give advice. Make them feel better as quickly as possible.
But sometimes our desire to make things better isn’t really about what the other person needs.
It’s really because we’re uncomfortable with their discomfort.
Their sadness makes us want to cheer them up. Their uncertainty makes us want to give them an answer. Their pain makes us want to find a solution.
And before we know it, we’ve shifted the focus from their experience to our need to make the moment easier.
Holding space asks something different of us
Holding space is remaining present without needing to fix it
Holding space is listening without turning the conversation back to ourselves
Holding space is allowing the other person to feel what they feel without rushing them toward a different feeling
Holding space is trusting that the other person may not need an answer from us at all
Sometimes the most supportive thing we can do is to be present and provide enough space for someone to simply hear themselves.
A few questions I ask myself
Am I listening, or am I waiting for my turn to speak?
Am I sharing because it's useful for them, or because I want to be useful?
Am I leaving room for their interpretation?
Am I respecting what they actually asked for?
Do I need to say anything right now?
Those questions keep me grounded. And help me resist the urge to ‘fix’ the person I’m speaking with. I’m reminded that just being there for them is enough.
You don't have to fill every silence
This can be surprisingly hard.
Silence makes many people uncomfortable, so we will often rush in and fill it.
Most often, the pause is where the other person actually figures out what they want to say.
Remember, you don't have to rescue them from ten quiet seconds.
Holding space doesn't mean agreeing with everything
You can support a person without agreeing with every conclusion they reach.
You can listen without taking on their belief as your own.
You can care about them and still have boundaries.
Holding space isn't the same as becoming responsible for another person's emotions.
Ask what would help
Sometimes someone wants to be heard. Sometimes they want help figuring out what to do next.
You don’t have to guess. Ask whether they want you to listen or help them work through it.
If they ask for practical help, find out what they need. Then be honest about what you can offer.
And if you don’t have the time, energy, or experience to help? Say so.
You can arrange another time to talk. You can offer the help you’re able to give. Or you can help them find someone better equipped to support them.
Holding space includes knowing your own limits.
During a Reiki Session
A Reiki session can bring up all kinds of things.
Someone may become emotional. A memory may surface. They may want to talk afterward. Or they may not want to talk at all.
Our job isn't to decide what their experience means.
We can listen. We can share an observation. We can ask a question. We can give them room.
Then they get to decide what fits.
And it matters outside the Reiki room too. This isn't only a practitioner skill.
Think about how different a conversation feels when someone actually listens to you instead of waiting for their turn to talk.
Or when you can say, 'I'm having a really hard day, and I need to vent' without immediately receiving six suggestions for how to fix your life.
Sometimes, just being heard is the thing that helps the most.
Start where you are.
